"Do You Believe in Unlikelihoods?"

So I'm moving. Again. Since I first arrived in New York, I have moved six times. Which really isn't that bad for a struggling New York actor. Combine that with the constant travel associated with doing regional theatre on a regular basis, however, and it comes to seem a bit pointless, investing oneself in any particular place. The place I'm leaving, for example, I never really spent much time on making my own. It always seemed transitional to me. I've come to decide it's important, however, to have a home base that I care about. So this cycle around, I'm playing for keeps, and looking for a place of my own.

So the 'blogination may be somewhat lacking in days to come, in order to afford me more time to peruse the craigslist.

Much has been written already regarding the importance of an artist having his or her own space, from Virginia Woolf to Julia Cameron, but it can be easy to give such a notion lip service without actually appreciating the value of such a thing. Personally, I feel much more capable of good work when my work area is clean and clear (which creates an endless internal battle akin to that between Ra and Apep as my stacking impulse vies for dominance). It's not surprising then that occupying one's own space and taking control of it would help one feel in more control of his or her life. This is my hope, at any rate. A friend of mine in

As Far As We Know

signs off her emails with a quote from Flaubert: "Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you may be fierce and original in your work."

"Il faut écrire des choses très folles en ayant une vie très rangée."

I don't speak French, so if the above is wrong: Bite me.

The first challenge is, of course, finding such a place. I don't know how it compares to other mejor metropolitan areas, but New York is certainly the worst of my experience when it comes to this process. It's akin to trying to get hired for an acting gig, actually. The supply of gigs/digs is so small, and the demand for them so large, the whole process is rendered ridiculous to the point of seeming pre-civilized. There is no point in looking ahead of time if you're looking to rent, because the day--

the very day

--that a good apartment is posted, it is taken. This creates a rather bloodsport, kill-or-be-killed environment, in which otherwise harmless-looking people will leave work unexpectedly and lurk around decrepit buildings with blank money orders clutched in their starving grasp. I carry a blackjack myself, just in case I see someone who looks wealthier than me approaching an available apartment.

The second challenge--which deserves just as much anxiety, really--is to, upon finding said place, make it both

mine

, and

helpful to my work

. These would seem to go hand-in-hand, but in my experience they do not. For example: I love movies. That's pretty natural for a young actor, methinks. I also have a lot of compulsive behaviors. Pretty natural, that, for a somewhat introverted thinker such as myself. Now, making the place my own in an immediate sense means setting up a nice, comfortable couch with the television prominently placed, surround-sound speakers installed about, and room for friends. HOWEVER, such a comfortable set-up, taking up so much space, makes it way too easy for me to get all habitual, then compulsive, about my movie-watching.

So it's a delicate balance, as with everything else.

Except moving, in which delicacy will get your ass killed.

Omega, meet Alpha

Over the past week I've had a couple of difficult bits of news concerning my artistic endeavors. The first was that, indeed, we did not achieve enough enrollment in

In Bocca al Lupo

to make the trip happen. That was the sort of news one receives with little surprise, though it still saddens and disappoints. In many ways, I was counting on going back to Italy this year, as an actor, teacher and just me. That was my fault, but . . .

COME ON! WE'RE TALKING ITALY, HERE!

In other difficult news, one of the outcomes of Thursday's update meeting for

The Torture Project

was that . . . well . . . I'm maybe probably not performing in the show. And the reason? The character should be nineteen years old. And I, believe it or no, do not look nineteen. (Having that fact confirmed is, in some ways, a relief. I'm ready to play men these days.) There was a lot more to that meeting, the which I will address anon, but just that part was the difficult bit.

Meanwhile,

A Lie of the Mind

continues to receive a very positive reception, and I feel better and better about the work I'm doing in it. Last night Friends

Patrick

and

Melissa

(1/2 of The Exploding Yurts) were there, and we had some discussion of the merits and foibles of Sam Shepard's plays. It was nerve-wracking to perform for my colleagues, but I should have known better. They were the best audience members that night, laughing unabashedly when they found something funny instead of pausing to wonder, "Oh my--should I be laughing at this?"

So what does an actor do when work falls through, or a project hangs in precarious balance for him or her? I don't know what other actors do, but I've always found it helpful to curl up in the corner of my closet, sucking my thumb and squeezing my eyes shut until I can see purple and orange explosions behind my eyelids.

I'm sure I'm not alone.

In all seriousness though (a first for this 'blog), it can be really rough to lose work when all you really want to do is work, and it often feels as though such moments of loss pile up on a guy. "When sorrows come, they come not in single spies, but in battalions." Word, Hamlet. Word. This kind of situation can also be inspiration for a fellow to throw in the towel on the whole thing. I mean, nobody's clamoring for your work, for your presence on the stage, and now it feels as though not only are they not shouting your name, they're actively discouraging your aspiration. I would be lying if I said these moments don't have me contemplating a life of nine-to-five employment, in which I have the money to support the little entertainments easily found and purchased in most of the shopping malls of this great nation. I mean, that actually sounds really nice to me sometimes, no foolin'. An uncomplicated life, which I am somewhat more in control of, and that no one will outwardly question. Just leave me alone. I'm normal.

Whatever normal is, I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't consider repeated crying jags in public places to be it. (Which may simply be an indication of how screwed up people's perception of "normal" is.) Those of you who've seen the show already, or have been reading recent entries here, know that in the eleventh hour (being really honest, more like one A.M.) I had a breakthrough regarding the last moment of the thing. Since then, and thanks in ginormous part to fellow actors

Todd d'Amour

and

Laura Schwenninger

, I have consistently achieved that emotional sincerity necessary for my character's final moment on stage. Last night I even got it to the point of strength and relaxation that I could afford to really try to fight

through

the tears to say what needed to be said, which is what the moment should truly be.

But a switch was flipped, in some ways, and the damn thing was stuck last night. On my way home, I kept weeping unexpectedly. It was really pretty comic, with a little distance. (My fellow passengers on the grand ol' Metropolitan Transit Authority must have thought that it was a

really sad

crossword puzzle I was solving.) Maybe it was a simple case of sort of programming a "crying trigger," (in the show I have to make sure I don't breathe too rapidly, in order to let the emotion happen) and not having a handle on letting go of it yet. Maybe I've tapped some well of emotion I've had a plug on for some time now (that's a nasty habit of mine I'll own right up to). Maybe it really WAS an emotional crossword puzzle. I mean, Maura Jacobson knows her stuff, I'm telling you.

The point is not to wonder at the

why

of my behavior. Rather, I find value in an earnest acknowledgment of the behavior--neither judging it nor letting it go unnoticed--and moving through it. Whether I was sad for Frankie, Jake, myself, the ending of hopes and beginning of dreams, or for a five-letter word that means "narrowly prevent," I was experiencing grief. Grief's important. I'm not going to go seeking grief (apart from when a script calls for it) but it's there for a reason, and avoiding it is really only saying, "Grief, yeah. I remember you, but look, I uh, I'll have to catch up with you later, 'cause, I got some things . . . to do . . . .

LOOK! A SEAGULL!

"

[sound of hurried footsteps rushing away]

You'll meet grief again. He's there to help, ultimately. No sense in delaying it, much less ignoring it indefinitely. Every ending is a beginning of something new, and grief is part of how we get from A to B. And "B" is always a good place to be.

PS - This is how the alphabet would look without Q & R.

PPS - Avert.

Opening Up to You...

If you haven't yet seen

A Lie of the Mind

, at

Manhattan Theatre Source

, go out immediately and buy an industrial strength, gas-powered power generator, jumper cables and two large sponges. Find a menacingly silent, mustachioed man to attach the cables to the generator, and the sponges to the other ends, activate the generator, and force you to remove your clothing and stand in running water. The menacingly silent, mustachioed man should know where to go from there.

IT...IS...A DELIGHT!

{Shh, shh.... Don't be scared. I was channeling James Lipton via Will Ferrell, and referencing the infamous torture sequence from

Lethal Weapon

. Riggs', not Murtough's. I mean, the salt thing might actually have hurt more, but come on. Unless a torture sequence involves a malevolent Asian man, I'm just not sufficiently terrorized.}

In actuality, you can't yet have seen

A Lie of the Mind

in that particular milieu. Because it opens tonight.

Hold me.

Yesterday was a very good preparation overall. I was at the Source by 3:30 (thanks to the benevolent slackerdom of my day-job boss) to work over my second scene with Todd. It went very well--better than it did in the run later that night--and with the adjustments we made I finally feel as though my character gets the kick start he's been needing. Thereafter, Daryl was working on scenes I am not a part of, so I busied myself with adding more artful gore to the pants I wear after my character gets shot in the leg. I love those surreal moments occasioned by working in the theatre. Anyone who walked in the Source betwixt the hours of 4:30 and 5:00 yesterday probably saw a pair of pale blue jeans stuffed with discarded press releases hanging from the ceiling, dripping blood onto more paper layered on a table beneath them. We got to running the show by 7:00 or so, which is fairly close to the time we had planned to start, which is fairly remarkable.

Tonight we go up with an audience for the first time at 8:00. We're sold out for both tonight and tomorrow night, I hear tell, so chances are good that I'll know a whole hell of a lot more about what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong in the next 48 hours. In terms of last-minute revelations, however:

  • I was right about Frankie thinking he was so much smarter than Jake, but wrong about him loving him too much to display it . . . particularly when it comes to discussing Beth's possible murder.
  • My monologue can go south at any moment, and I must be vigilant 'bout that. Also, I tend to go up on lines that involve speaking at length without a period. Too many options. Need to run lines before show every night.
  • That final moment that's been troubling me has everything to do with taking in as much of Beth and Jake's moment just before, and simply being relaxed enough to respond to that.

Opening night is frightening, particularly when you've had no preview audiences. I don't care who you are: Yikes. It's thrilling, though, the fear. It has charged my whole day, and only created one obstacle: that of wanting to leap from a window in order to not be at work. But I get by, because very soon I won't even be in New York. I'll be in Montana, with a bullet hole in my leg.

Wish me luck.