The Art of the Quest

Yesterday I saw for the first time in person the great Redwood trees of

California

.

David and I had been busy all morning with the initial preparations for his mother’s service, and by the time it was mid-afternoon he had had enough, so off we went to

Big

Basin

national park.

I saw, photographed, smelled, touched and even stood inside what are—as far as we know—among the oldest living things in the entire world.

Apparently the great Sequoias are the oldest trees, a sheer 4,000 years as compared to the Redwoods’ paltry 1–3,000.

It was amazing just to be in such a forest, much less among that kind of ego-dwarfing natural occurrence.

These are the moments when I feel closest to divinity, and not even the mightiest spires of il duomi dell’Italia can compare to the architecture of Redwood.

God is, of course, on my mind a lot during this journey.There’s nothing for a reaffirmation of one’s faith in a higher power than being immersed in need for such guidance and support.I’m spending a lot of my time just trying to be ready for whatever David needs, and thus far it’s not much in the way of practical help, just someone to keep him in the moment and remind him he’s not alone.In fact, we’ve had some conversations about things like theatre and life in general the likes of which we haven’t known since the first year of working together, when we were just discovering how much we enjoyed one another’s company.It’s hard to say if that’s a direct result of recognizing how fleeting such moments can be, or just a side effect of spending a significant amount of time together again.It’s not all that important to me to come up with a reason, either.

Ann Zarko really was an amazing woman, by all accounts, and she and her son David are unusually deserving of one another.It’s easy to see where David gets his compassion, openness and love of life from.I wish I had known Ann.Everyone we speak to not only has their own important memories of her, but says the same thing eventually: They know that everyone will miss her, and she will be remembered by a lot of people.She was continually making new friends, and nothing about who she was faded, even in her final days.Tomorrow evening will be a viewing and rosary, and Thursday morning will bring mass and the burial.David’s being almost stubbornly strong.I hope he can find times to let himself go in the coming days.He loves his mother very much.

Possibly more magical even than BigBasin, yesterday David also gave me a walking tour of his life around my age…say 25 to 31.It happened rather spontaneously in the early evening, driving through Santa Cruz (where I now plan to retire once I’m Absurdly Wealthy & Famous) after the forest.I think David was a little embarrassed by his want to share those stories, but I couldn’t have been more excited to get that peek into the early years of Zarko.Santa Cruz is now very reminiscent to me of Austin.Well, maybe a blend of Austinwith Old Town Alexandria.It’s very funky and artsy, not just with college kids but a good proportion of twenty-somethings and young families.The Mall-like stores are definitely moved in, but I would say local businesses are still dominant.Apparently when David was there it was not even in a larval state of this resurgence, and his nostalgia is clearly tinged with a love for what was once run-down, as well as some envy of the success the town has known since.

He told me about opening his café there (stock Zarko lore) and I actually saw the building and bought coffee from a well-pierced prepubescent there.He told me about being young, and his friends at the time, and hanging out with Spalding Gray before he was Spalding Gray.Best of all, he explained to me why his theatre company at the time was named “Parcifel’s Players.”When he was young (and, I’d wager, on into this day) David loved this story of the knight, Parcifel (or Percival, or Pursifel, etc.).As we walked the darkening streets of Saint of the Cross, he told me the story as he had heard it, of a knight so foolish that he barely got by.His mentor ultimately instructed him, out of irritation for his inability to understand things innately, never to ask any questions of anyone who was his superior.

One day, Parcifel, quite by accident, bested the red knight who had been plaguing the court of King Arthur.As he walked into the castle in the knight’s armor, he was greeted with great enthusiasm. In order to complete his status as a knight of the round table, however, he of course had to go on a Grail quest.Parcifel does so, and finds a castle that promises the Grail.The duke of that castle promises him the Grail, they proceed through various ceremonies and celebrations.During this revelry, Parcifel has the impulse to ask three questions, but resists according to his mentor’s lesson.When he awakes in the morning, he discovers the castle long abandoned and dusty, the formerly lush surrounding lands barren, and an old woman who bears a striking resemblance to a young lady who had entertained him the night before informs him that if he had only asked his questions, the Grail would have been his.

So Parcifel, feeling the utmost failure and shame, pledges never again to return to Camelot until he rediscovers the Grail.He spends years and years traveling the countryside, deposing evil knights, saving the people from harm and spreading the good word of Arthur.Finally, in his late years, he encounters a knight and by custom challenges him.The challenges begin with insults, and as these insults progress it becomes clear that the two knights share the same father.They throw down their arms and armor and embrace, and suddenly the castle reappears to Parcifel, this time he asks the questions (which have changed) and achieves the Holy Grail.

This is a powerful insight to life, to the idea of always having to learn and relearn, to question and accept.It’s also a great peek at what it’s like to work on a show with David.His rehearsal is concerned with process, always process, and he understands that you may achieve brilliance quite by accident, and it will be impossible to return to that brilliance without time, effort and more time to understand something larger than yourself.It’s hard to accept that we don’t know.It’s hard to go on in good faith in the face of that.It’s worth it.That’s what I think.Maybe there is no grail at the end; it’s still worth it.Lao Tzu reminds us that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.The Redwoods grow huge one minimal ring at a time.And life may be brief, but it is full, full, full.

In Transition


I write to you from various places across this great nation of ours. Philadelphia. Atlanta. San Francisco. Ultimately, Sunnyvale, California. At present, I am aboard a plan going over the south Midwest. Can I use that term for that area? Or is it just “the West”? Anyway, I am in transit, though not for the usual reasons. I would that it were for a job (and that they were paying my airfare) but, alas, it’s for life stuff. When I arrive at my final destination, David will be there and we’ll spend this week burying his mother and attending to finalities.

Enough of that for now. I imagine that will occupy whatever further entries I have time for during the week.

Don’t imagine, my dear, precious one-and-all, that I’m actually posting to the ‘blog now from the air, performing amazing internet aerials with my advanced and expensive computer. Nyyyoh. I am simply typing into MSWord™ (ß Sweet! Word is auto-formatting my approximations of typography! Boy I hope that translates when I paste it in…[somehow my pretty arrow has become a Greek figure--WTF, Blogger?) as I have been with various other work off and on during this trip. It’s a whole Sunday of cross-continental travel; all told, awake-to-pass-out, some fourteen hours of trains, planes and automobiles. I am equipped. Fantasy novel. ‘Puter. Gameboy. Camera. Lots of gum. Speaking of which, thine movie quote awaits:

“I have come here to chew bubblegum, and kick ass. And I’m all…out…of bubblegum.”

I offer finsky on this one (honor system here—no interwebzing it, you disreputable bastards), and if you try to tell me it’s from a certain PC first-person shooter, you owe me a five dollar bill.

I don’t travel much outside of my work (apart from an occasional trip down the east coast to see family and friends around holiday periods) and though I desperately wish the circumstances were different, I can’t help but be somewhat excited to be doing this. Along with being a responsibility (and believe me: I won’t be taking in the sights) it is also a privilege of my position. Not my financial position, mind you. That’s set square against this gesture. Rather a privilege of having arranged my life to be one that allows me to get up and go at any time without losing my job or endangering relationships. Many of David’s friends wanted to be out there with him. I represent them all, and they’re helping me enormously. Hell: Without Heather’s automatic sensitivity to people’s needs, I might not be here at all, might instead still be pacing my apartment trying to figure out how the hell I can afford what needs to be done. Some things just need to be done, and the rest gets worked out afterward.

So California. It will only be the second time I’ve ever been there. The previous occasion was to visit my then-girlfriend while she was on the national tour of Swing!, and I saw San Diego. I liked San Diego quite a bit, of what I could see in three days, and I have every reason to believe David’s hometown will be beautiful. I wonder what I’ll be doing and where, really. Basically, I expect to be lashed to David’s hip with a handkerchief at the ready. Nevertheless, one can’t help but see, hear and all the rest in a new place.

This, all of this, is a good thing about what I’ve done with my life thus far. It’ll be worth eating nothing but tuna for a little while.

O Sainted Day

Saint Valentine

's Day, 2007. It starts snowing somewhere toward the middle of the night and keeps on into the day--a hard, light snow that stings your face when you walk into it. I'm now nestled snug in my cubicle at the matrimonial law office that shall represent my day job. I'm wearing a tie, for once, in honor of the day. This is the first substantial snow of the season that I have experienced in the city. It's rapidly turned to brown slush on the streets and in the curb nooks, the kind that deceives you into thinking it's a level surface right up until you see your foot plunge too-deep into the melancholic soup. So I'm wearing my Doc Marten's as well.

This is my least favorite of all holidays. It feels the most misguided and obligatory to me (Even more so than Arbor Day!). However, I started a tradition some years ago of making it a day in honor of my friends, as I believe

St. Valentine

probably would have appreciated. This year that honoring is a humble one, just catching up on much-neglected email and reading of other 'blogs. Nevertheless, the (small) effort has made me feel so much better than I might have. It's a credo of Unitarian Universalism (and

Avenue Q

) that service to others is a service to oneself, and I'm living it today. In a life such as mine, friends are family, and I am very, very grateful for you all.

Happy V-day. If you're still at home, put on some swimming goggles before going out, because that snow

stings

.

The Riddle of the Sphynx

"We thought this was going to be about Egypt."

That's not a quote from a movie. That's one of the reactions we received this weekend from the thirty-odd senior women of Scranton who attended the reading of

the play

which is the namesake of today's 'blogination. Instead of being a history of the famous statue, the play was inspired in large part by the riddle the Sphynx (or Sphinx, but never Sfinks) poses to the people of Thebes before using their failure to answer it as an excuse to slaughter excessive amounts of ancient Greeks. ("Wot...is your favorite color?" "Blue. NO, YELLOOOOOOOO...." [There's your movie quote.]) Said riddle being:

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening?

And the answer is, naturally: Ya' momma.

'Twas a goodly weekend, and 'tdid start practically Friday midday with my commute to the Bronx to begin anew the filmmaking classes at Validus Academy. The spirit in the school was bright and eager, and all we were doing was announcing and describing our class to the students so they'd have a better idea what to sign up for. Thus leaving earlier than usual, I had plenty of time to stop by work to get and deposit my check for the week before high-tailin' in to Penn Station to catch the train to

Port Jervis

, riding with Friend Heather and possibly-newly-acquired-friend

Greg Fletcher

, the playwright.

The weekend was just what the doctor ordered. I knew I was hungry for stage time, but in spite of my griping these

past weeks

I somehow underestimated just how badly I needed it. We didn't do much with the reading, just sat semi-circle and read, and my part, though significant to the story, was not overloaded with lines. Yet performing the thing made all the hassle of the trip out, the preternatural cold of northern Pennsylvania, the junk food, etc., quickly meld into contributions to the bliss of reading lines, of playing a character. It was just a reading of a play in development. Still, it did the trick, and today I feel alive again. How do I forget so easily what that feeling is until I have it again?

Part of what was wonderful about the weekend--a huge part--was the warm sense of family I receive every time I go out to Scranton and play my part for

TNT

's modest notoriety. It's like a homecoming, without all the actual family angst and urgent self-examination. I know my way there, and everything I do makes sense and has some sense of purpose to it. Perhaps this is because it always contains some aspect of vacation--being away from my daily concerns, socializing as part of every place I am, etc. (I can hear Patrick frustratedly [yet playfully] barking: "Like that's a bad thing?!") Certainly our activities whilst not in rehearsal or performance were very recreational. Hedonistic, in one regard. Saturday night we sat and watched the entire season of a Canadian (Canada=hedonism) television series. It was something David and Heather had been specifically wanting to do

with me

since they happened upon the series about a month ago.

Slings and Arrows

, season one, is a six-episode comedy of characters surrounding the creation of a production of Hamlet. It aired on A&E or Bravo (I can't remember which; maybe it was Sundance) a little over a year ago, and I had been psyched to catch it but, as with all things regularly scheduled, forgot about it and missed it, save the final episode, which I caught entirely by chance one Friday night back when I still had cable television. I loved it, that solitary and (for me) undeveloped finale, and was curious about the show thereafter. It didn't resurface in my life until Heather and I were talking and she mentioned that David had seen it and wanted to watch it (again) with me. So we did just that. The whole thing. At a go.

It necessitates a

James Lipton

ian response. "If you haven't yet seen

Slings and Arrows

. . . you must go to your local Canadian video outlet, purchase the DVDs, drive to a cliff of at least 100 feet in height, cry mercy there to the Gods of Television and cut yourself with the edges of the DVDs in chronological order and allow your wasted blood of life to fall over the cliff's edge before promptly driving home and watching the whole series seventeen times over without cessation for bodily needs. It is

SCRUMTRULESCENT

. . . ." And that doesn't quite cover it. It takes funny-because-it's-true to all new levels, and not just for theatre people, but people people. After watching it, I felt like I understood again what was so great about what I'm trying to do. It's insane. It's supposed to be insane. As they say in the series, after experiencing the sensation of everything going right on stage, how can life compare?

In April, Friend Heather is moving out to

Scranton

. In theory, this is a trial run for her, but it includes letting go of her apartment in Brooklyn (due to money needs) and purchasing a car (due to day-to-day needs), so the theory is really more of a hypothesis: This move may be what Heather needs, and good for her life. I hope she's accurate in that. I understand her desire, I think. This weekend past, I could envision myself making the same move. If I settled in Scranton, I would get regular acting work at the theatre, and become a name in that smaller town. I could manage more of my life by myself, creating my own work for my own audience base. And I would be surrounded by a network of friends who bordered on family, and who were much easier to be in regular touch with than my friends in this nutty city of millions. Yeah. I get it, and think about it every time I work out there.

The answer, of course, is Man. As in Humanity. As babies, in the dawn of our existence, we crawl on all fours, then we learn to walk with two legs before needing a cane to progress as the sun sets on our little story. Taoist thought, as I understand it, also divides life into stages, albeit with some greater attention to detail. That's one of the differences betwixt (

S&As

has had an obnoxious effect on my syntax, and for that I apologize) Tao and Zen; Zen, roughly speaking, says purify and divorce oneself from this material plane toot-sweet, whereas Taoism takes you by the shoulder and says, in a voice that's audible to you but not the rest of the party, "Look, you've got to do what you've got to do right now, and it would be unnatural for you to do otherwise. All I'm saying is, when you get through the ambition, and ardent desire, and angst, you're going to see none of it was what was really important. So don't fight it, but plan for that. I'm going to go get some

vinegar punch

. You want I should bring a bit back for you?"

So, I could move to Scranton (or New Hampshire, or Maryland, or Virginia) now and get on with it. There's no gauge of legs to dictate when we should change our lives; would that there were. Instead, we're left with our feelings, those unpredictable faeries that Puck us up whenever they get a chance. Stupid Feelings. Being all better-informed about what we want than our brains are. Send out memos, Feelings; send out memos!

They do, of course. The trick seems to be getting our brains to keep their fax machines on and full of paper and toner. And check the fax machine every once-in-a-while, Brain! It's in another room! You gots to check it!

This entry now ending, due to recognition of the fact that I have succumbed to day-job metaphor.